Why so Awkward?

I wish I knew

I used to think I was a somewhat extroverted person. I guess I just really wanted to be. But the older I get the more I realize just how wrong I was. I call myself an extroverted introvert, though more on the introvert side. I’m good at small talk if need be. I am a nurse after all, nurses excel in small talk.

When I look at my 9 year old I am reminded what a true extrovert looks like. I have never in my life met anyone that has to be a part of everything around her the way she does. She inserts herself flawlessly in any situation she is in (I envy her for that). Which at times can put me in even more awkward situations.

Take last night for example. We are at our local campground, because sometimes it’s nice to just get away from the hustle and bustle for a bit. Anyway, last night was family bingo night. I took my daughter there and as we sat down at an empty table (where I would have been fine sitting) she saw a group of kids she had met at the beach the day prior. She immediately went over there and started talking to them and then came back and said she wanted to sit with them. One of the moms had already stopped and was talking to me. At this point I was already feeling a bit awkward. But it got worse.

The mom invited us to go sit with them and of course my daughter had to chime in. So off we went. She sat with the kids and, as always, I could see how comfortable she was with them all. I sat with the parents and I felt so weird the entire time. Come to find out this group had known each other for like 20 years. They had all met back in college and had been hanging out as a group since, they all had kids around the same time so their kids are all bffs because they all grew up together. Well that makes me sitting there feel even more strange. I’ve always wanted friendships like that, those you see in movies and tv shows. But I was not blessed with that.

They started talking about all kinds of stuff I had no idea about. A few times they brought me into the conversation by asking me questions, and it was fine, but during those others times all I could do is sit there very awkwardly.

Then I sense some tension in their group and that made the awkwardness go up. One of the ladies walked away and then two of them started talking about how awkward it was that she was there. “Who even invited her anyway? She invited herself” Yea, I don’t like tension, especially when it’s someone else’s tension. Maybe that’s one thing I fear, being a part of a group, but being that one person that everyone says just that behind my back “who even invited her, why is she here?” They seemed like they wanted her there when she was there. I already see it on Facebook, which is why I rarely go on there. I am rarely invited to things. Which I’ve talked about in this article.

When that was over I took my daughter to the beach, and while standing there watching her a lady sat down right next to where I was standing and just started talking to me. Of course I talked to her back, but luckily I was saved by my husband calling me soon after. I feel the most weird when people start asking personal questions immediately, “where are you from? How many kids do you have? How old are they? Oh you have twins, that must be so hard.” No, it’s really not. No harder than having three kids in which there were no twins. Once I had twins things just were how they were, I know no other way. And having twins is the least of my issues when compared to the behavior of my oldest son, which is another story entirely.

When I look back at my life I realized that I have always been this awkward around people. It’s weird, I once thought of myself as extroverted. I suppose it’s because I always wanted to be. But in the end I’m really not.

I never had many friends growing up no matter how much I wanted to have them. I tried so hard but I was always the odd ball out. I was also bullied throughout my life. If you wanna hear some of those stories that article is right here. I suppose that if I were to give myself a label I would be on the autism spectrum. I am that person that spouts random facts when feeling extremely awkward.

I’ve always wanted friends. And I get so jealous of those that just feel at ease around others. I even have a hard time talking on the phone, forget FaceTime that causes me a lot of anxiety. It sucks because my job deals with talking to patient’s family members on the phone. It’s the bane of my job.

Why oh why do I have to be this way? I’ve always wanted to be normal in this sense. I want to have a group of friends like the families I met last night (minus the one lady I guess). I do have one friend that invites me to things, we have been friends for over 11 years. She has a ton of friends herself. I want to say that I am friends with some of her friends I’ve met throughout the years, but recently I realized that isn’t true. They all see me as an acquaintance that just happens to be around on the occasions my one friend invites me.

Just this past week one of the girls I met 10 years ago through her (and I hang out with regularly) had a birthday dinner. I thought I would have been invited, but when I randomly hopped on Facebook the other day I was immediately reminded why I rarely get on there. The first thing I saw was a fun birthday outing for her that I was not invited to. She did invite me to the beach for her birthday, but I think that was only because I was sitting there when they were discussing it and she felt obligated to ask me.

I have a few close friends, I try to hang out with them every now and again, but most people are too busy with their lives to have time for me. I’m the person that people pencil in to their packed schedule (if there is room), they don’t MAKE time for me. If there is no openings for me, then I don’t get seen. Two of my very best friends (one I have been friends with for about 16 years, the other I have known since 5th grade) live in different states so I rarely talk to them (we have separate lives), and seeing them is even more rare. I know that those two I would spend time with on a regular basis if we lived near each other. At one point in our lives we did live near each other and when we did we spent a lot of time together. So I know that I am capable of having friendships like that. I guess I am super selective, or I’m just not the type of person many people want to spend a lot of time with. I do have an odd way of thinking that is not like the majority of the population. So I suppose people feel just as awkward around me as I do around them.

One thing I love about Substack is that I have noticed a bunch of other people as awkward as I am on here. It makes me feel not so alone. I’ve said many times through notes that I do believe that there are quite a few people on here that if I lived near them I feel like we would spend a lot of time together.

I would love to hear your stories of those awkward moments with others. Are you an extrovert or an introvert? If you are an awkward introvert like me, I hope you feel some peace knowing that you aren’t alone.

---

I would love for you to check out my recently published book, “Between Then and Now”, a collection of 60 poems written between the ages of 15 and 39, it’s currently being sold at Amazon. It’s also available on kindle unlimited.

Stay tuned for my book “Between Now and Hope.” It will be released sometime in 2026. It’s a collection of poems that focus on making this world a better place.

Thank you for taking the time to read my words.